I need to lose weight. It's not that I'm obese or anything, but I have so many pairs of skinny hipster jeans that desperately need to be worn. And these awesome horned rimmed glasses. Is making fun of hipsters not a thing anymore? I'm already bored of it.
So weight. The trick to losing weight is to exercise and eat properly. And that's the part I have trouble with. Just...all of it. I don't want to spend my time making my own lunch, so I often eat out during the day. Being on the road all the time, it's just easier. And exercising is something that's fun to do when I've got a lot of energy and time. Wait, I didn't mean fun, I meant something. Exercising is something to do when I've got a lot of time and energy. And I never have enough energy. I always have time. I just feel it's time better spent napping, or coming up with my exercise plan for tomorrow. And you should see the plan for what I'm going to tomorrow! It's impressive. I'm already tired from it.
Let's start with eating right. Apparently all you can eat for breakfast is scrambled eggs. Anything else is a pain to make and makes you fat. But not eggs, because eggs are protein. They also have cholesterol, which is both great and awful apparently. I stopped reading about it, because it's just depressing and confusing and makes me want to take a nap and eat an egg McMuffin. Which is not just eggs. But so good. How good is that? Seriously. And the carmel mochas? I would live off of those if I wasn't off caffeine, because caffeine makes me sleep wrong.
Hello 1995. I missed you. Did you miss me? Remember Seinfeld? Hilarious.
I say sleep "wrong" because sleeping "right", and here's where I make some serious assumptions, doesn't involve waking up in the middle of the night and throwing your pillows at ghosts and robbers who've invaded your bedroom. I'm not sure why robbers would want anything in my bedroom, as it's easily the least impressive room of my house. I do have a pretty sweet tv though.
For lunch, you can eat almonds. Uncooked and unsalted. Just like posh cavemen used to do. Except they probably used salt. But we can't use salt, because salt takes away water from our bodies, and water's important for not dying when it's time to exercise. The key to drinking enough water is to always have water on you, that way, when you're thirsty, you just have your water conveniently right there! Otherwise, you'll literally buy any other drink other than water to quench your thirst. It's a Catch-22, except where there's some awful thing preventing you from drinking the water you so desperately want, it's just your brain going, "Why do I want to pay for water when I could pay for a Dr. Pepper (or a Faygo for all my Juggalos out there)?" The answer you don't. And you won't. Or at least I won't. Paying for water. What am I, at the bottom of the water table like some peasant? Hardly!
Stay tuned next week for more rantings about eating chicken for dinner for the rest of your life and nothing else, ever, or you'll die. But the chicken will kill you too. It's a catch-22!